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3:35 pm
March 26, 2011
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I am starting to feel like I’m living in the Tudor times…or maybe more like Elizabeth Bennet in regency era Pride and Prejudice (I know I’m probably being a drama queen 
) But since I’ve been home this summer I have found myself relating more and more to young women in period dramas with ever so slightly overbearing mothers.
First of all me and my mum are and always have been incredibly close, she always wants the best for me and she’s very proud and biased. thus In return I feel the need to make her happy and live up to her expectations. But this summer making her happy has pushed me to breaking point.
Why? well because she is overly ambitious, not for herself, but for me. She consistently pushes me to do more photographic work….which I have. more voluntary work (again which I have done) more horse riding and helping at the local stables (which I do anyway out of sheer love for it). But then after i do all this it is still not enough, it’s continuous nagging all the time to ‘branch out further’. Worst of all she has done her utmost to interfere with my relationship as it will ‘hold me back’ in her opinion. To be perfectly honest I’m quite exhausted.
Why do parents do it? There are kids who attend horse riding lessons and whilst I lead them around on a pony they say ‘I’m tired, I’ve just had dancing, and I have to go swimming after this’. Of course their mother is trying to provide them with many opportunities…but all that child wants to do after it’s lesson (and a day at school) is to play.
I’m interested to know whether it’s just an inbuilt thing that women have learnt over the centuries? will I become like that one day if I ever have children? 
11:17 am
April 17, 2012
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Oh sweety. My mother neglected me and my siblings to the point of child abuse, when i got my period, i had to use loo paper. She never gave me recognition of anything i ever acheived, and still doesnt eventhough im 31! She used to light the fire with the pictures i brought home from kindy and when i played Nancy in Oliver at school, and when i graduated from school and university she was no where to be seen! But as soon as I had a baby, she was all over me like a rash….the fact is im a really good mum, my daughter has everything she needs and is happy and clever and beautiful, and my mother never achieved anything in life herself, so takes as much credit as she can for how wonderful my little one is. Its a bizarre relationship we have with our mums, but look on the bright side, at least your mum is paying attention. Now me, I would just say “mum, get your own life!” You are welcome to use it, it’s not trademarked yet!
1:43 pm
June 7, 2011
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I think the first thing that struck me as a new mother (my daughter is 2 in two weeks, but it still applies) is that I have absolutely no idea what the hell I am doing most of the time. There is so much information on how to parent around these days, yet its all conflicting. One book says spank, the other says that’s child abuse, one says use time out, the other says ignoring a child when naughty is best. I constantly worry that I am/am not doing the right thing, and I imagine this will continue for the rest of my child’s younger years. I will always try my best to do what’s right, and maybe that’s what your mother is doing. Perhaps she feels she unachieved in life, and making you achieve makes up for it? Or she feels she needs to push you to succeed? I know its a pain, my mum is the same and I’m almost 26! It’s little things that irritate me – being ordered to eat my greens in restaurants, being told what I will/will not do. Don’t get me wrong I love my mum, but I do have to tell her to back of at times. Maybe its her way of showing she cares, but tell her she is stifling you too much, that you need to make mistakes to grow, and that you will always try to do what you think is right, since you leant from the best (flattery always overshadows the awkwardness! After all she cannot be angry with you for giving her such a nice compliment!).
"It is however but Justice, & my Duty to declre that this amiable Woman was entirely innocent of the Crimes with which she was accused, of which her Beauty, her Elegance, & her Sprightliness were sufficient proofs..." Jane Austen.
3:57 pm
January 3, 2012
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Congratulations Ellie, being a mum for the first time is always daunting, but it will get easier.
Unfortunatly for me my Mum and I have never really been close, I was always made to feel the outsider, and it was very rare that my Mum ever said I love you, but to be fair to her she was with me the whole time I had my daughter, she saw Pia when she was just minutes old and said that Pia looked just like me.
As far as Mum’s go as being overly ambitious I think they just want to make sure that we get as much out of life as possible. Sometimes that comes across as being pushy. If you look at it from their side of things when they were young their whole lives were dominated by the fact that the best they could acheive in life was having a good home, marriage and a few children thrown in, and maybe a little job at the local corner shop for a few hours a day, whilst the kids were at school.
The educational standards for woman in their times were as equal as they are now but woman weren’t necessarly given the same oppotunity as men to study them. Back then they had very few Female Doctors, Barristers or Judges (if there were they were very few and far between) senior managerial postions, membership to clubs such as Golf clubs, and Mason’s clubs.
For the most part what jobs were around for woman were jobs such as cleaning and secretarial work, Nursing and shop assistants, and manning a switchboard and working in factories too, however they were also generally expected to give those jobs up once they were married. These days of course that is an impossible situation if you want to have a decent standard of living.
Although it can be very frustrating and annoying when your Mum tells you what to do I always find the best way is to agree to disagree. Yeah we all make mistakes that’s why pencils have erasers, the things is we all somehow manage to get along despite the odd hiccup.
There are the odd parents that really go too far being pushy with their children and I’m talking about these so called Beauty pageants that take place in America. In my personal opinion those parents have something wrong with them mentally and are raising their chidren to be vain self centred brats, instead of strong minded, stout hearted individuals that will help make this whole world a better place to live in. I would say that their parents have something akin to Munchausen by proxy, but not in the medical sence of the world more like making their child perform and dress like barbie dolls in order to get the glory for themselves.
My advice where Mum’s are concerned is to go with the flow. You only ever have one mum and whether you agree or not with the advice they give you they are doing what they feel is best for you and should be respected and loved just because of who and what they are..
Ellie give your little one a big hug from me.. She’s a lucky girl to have you as her mum and is going to be every bit as beautiful as you a well.
Semper Fidelis, quod sum quod
9:42 am
April 17, 2012
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Ellie i am by no means an expert either, my daughter is only 3 and a half. I think i feel im a better mum than mine was because i have spent alot of time and effort dropping all the things that led my mum and grandma and her mum etc behind. They were all cold distant, cruel and unable to give empathy. I tell my daughter i love her 15 times a day, and i dont have to remind myself. When she hurts herself or something goes wrong, and she comes to me crying, i look her in the eyes, give her the “awe poor thing” face and a big hug. When shes sick i care for her and do everything i can to make her better. I heard a quote from one of the ladies i did “lessons” with after ava was born and she said “dont try to be a good mum, just be happy with being a good enough mum” i hope this quote helps you too 🙂
3:34 pm
January 3, 2012
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Tash Wakefield said
Ellie i am by no means an expert either, my daughter is only 3 and a half. I think i feel im a better mum than mine was because i have spent alot of time and effort dropping all the things that led my mum and grandma and her mum etc behind. They were all cold distant, cruel and unable to give empathy. I tell my daughter i love her 15 times a day, and i dont have to remind myself. When she hurts herself or something goes wrong, and she comes to me crying, i look her in the eyes, give her the “awe poor thing” face and a big hug. When shes sick i care for her and do everything i can to make her better. I heard a quote from one of the ladies i did “lessons” with after ava was born and she said “dont try to be a good mum, just be happy with being a good enough mum” i hope this quote helps you too 🙂
Tash sounds like your mum and mine had the same sort of problems..My mum always seemed to be busy doing something else and never bothered with either me or my brother. My brother and I had to grow up fast and be independent at a very early age. My dad left when I was 7 and I always felt that mum held me to blame for his going.. Yeah I know that sounds daft but when you are told at the age of 8 that’s it wasn’t for me dad wouldn’t have gone, it does tend to affect you. Like you I tell my kids I love them everyday and would happily give my life to save them, my world is a happier place because they are in it. I have 4 kids 2 of my own and 2 step children but the Step bit doesn’t exist they are my children simple as, and I would move heaven and earth for them all. One smile from them is worth more than money can ever buy.
Ellie your’ll do just fine don’t worry you’re heart will know you are doing the right thing. Give you daughter a hug from me.
Semper Fidelis, quod sum quod
4:15 pm
June 7, 2010
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I am not a mother, but I see Claire-Louise’s situation all the time. I have friends who have mother’s like this. Some continue their lives trying to please (and they are miserable), and others started doing what they wanted (and are happy). I’m lucky to have my Mum. She’s supportive, but knows when to draw the line. When she does push me, it’s because I lack the confidence to do it. The few times she done it, I resented her at first, but am glad she pushed me on!
Now, my maternal grandmother is another kettle of fish. She was/is always cleaning her house, and has let life slide by. Now, with her health, it is too late to travel, etc. Sadly, she and my grandfather are well-off, but money cannot bring her any happiness. I guess the old adage is true.
Ellie, you sound a lot like my best friend. Her daughter will be 3 in Nov. She’s adorable, but in the beginning, Jessica was lost. She come to learn what works for her daughter, and not get lost in the constant parenting books and advice.
"By daily proof you shall find me to be to you both loving and kind" Anne Boleyn
1:55 pm
March 26, 2011
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Interesting responses from everyone. I think that Ellie you show daunting being a mother for the first time is. I am the eldest child and I guess it must be the same for my mum, she’s still learning even though I’m an adult, and I imagine always wanting the best for your child is quite natural. I have to say I find the thought of becoming a mother, and worrying if I would do a good enough job is enough for me to say I think I will stick to dogs and horses!
Tash I must say it must be far harder to have a parent that pays you no attention. I have friends that have grown up in similar situations and they have sometimes said to me whilst we were still at school ‘I just wish my mum would say no to me sometimes, tell me I can’t go out past a certain time, at least then I’d know she took an interest in what I was doing”
After mentioning it to my mum we reached an understanding. She was only trying to get rid of my lack of confidence in myself, it just came across completely the wrong way!
